The Official Guide to Rescuing and Maintaining Damsels in Distress Read online

  "No." Helena folded her arms touchily, fully aware that she was in the darkness, but hoping that Crispin's eyes would miraculously pick up her very pointed signal of displeasure.

  "All right." Crispin shrugged again in that careless way that was becoming increasingly irritating to the princess. "If the wild boars kill you, I'm keeping the crown. Just so you know."

  A ruffle of skirts preceded Helena's hurried appearance next to the fire. Hem grasped delicately in both hands, the princess attempted to disguise her dash for safety with a haughty tilt of the head.

  "You are not taking my crown. That is final." She promptly sat down where she stood, her lack of composure and grace causing the skirt to billow around her ears. Valiantly, and miraculously, Crispin managed to maintain her serious expression at the sight of Helena viciously fighting the voluminous material down to the ground. When the princess finally regained her self-control and poise sufficiently, she cleared her throat again, pointedly.

  "I've heard that bit, princess. Just talk now." With a smack of her lips Crispin threw the apple core over her shoulder in the general direction of Toby, who caught it in mid-air and disposed of it cleanly.

  Helena sat quietly for a moment, her brows furrowed, then turned towards Crispin. "Crispin is a boy's name."

  "Is it?" Crispin's casual tone made Helena want to stamp her feet.

  "Yes! You know it is!"

  "Could be."

  The pout began by itself and spread over the princess's face, creating various interesting effects on its journey. "It IS!" At the knight's slight smile Helena clenched her jaw tightly and balled her fists momentarily. She knew, she knew this woman was purposely trying to infuriate her! Fine. Fine fine fine. She would not be drawn into this childish game that knights apparently played as a pastime. Arranging her face into a sweet (if quite sickly) smile, Helena took a deep breath and levelled her voice.

  "Crispin is a boy's name, you know. Is there any reason why your parents would have given you a boy's name?" Her eyes suddenly narrowed at a new thought. "Or are you not using your real name? You could be a criminal!" She gazed at the dark woman's face suspiciously.

  Crispin gave a faint grin. "I am not a criminal. Just because I liberate an item here and there… Look," she stretched her long legs ahead of her and leaned back on her elbows, looking up at the stars peeking through the trees, "there's no story. My grandmother's name was also Crispin."

  "Your grandmother had a boy's name??"

  The knight sighed and rolled her neck a little to get rid of some of the tension building in her muscles. "She was a woman, I guarantee you. Apparently when she was born her father mistook her for a boy and named her before he could be informed otherwise."

  Helena's brow creased. "Why would they mistake her for a boy? Was she… did she…"

  "Was she did she what?"

  "Did she have a…" Helena leaned forward, spellbound, her eyes as large as saucers. "Was she like that little boy at the carnival who…"

  "NO!" Crispin sat bolt upright indignantly. "Nobody in my family is anything like anybody in any carnival!" Huffily she rearranged her pillow and flung herself back down again.

  "Go to sleep."

  "But…"

  "Tied upside down on a horse."

  "But why would your ..."

  "Crown, horse, horse, horse ..."

  "Fine."

  "Good night."

  "Hmph."

  "Sire, I admit that I did sneeze in your drink

  Lo, behold, your mustachios are burning…."

  The princess was no music hall runaway, of that much Crispin was sure. Her singing was, if possible, even more atrocious than it had been the day before, and her terminology continually served to amaze the knight. Whether the princess was forgetful enough for the previous evening's topic to have slipped her mind, or whether she was tactful enough not to bring it up again (naturally Crispin voted wholeheartedly for the first option), the knight was completely and utterly thankful. She was actually beginning to enjoy the moustachioed tale of woe when a faint sound caught her attention.

  "Shush…"

  The princess had just arrived at a particularly dramatic verse and hurled her arms flamboyantly into the air, adding a little howl to the end of the last word for effect.

  "Princess…"

  Crispin's cautious voice was lost in Helena's enthusiastic rendering of the penultimate verse, complete with a dance that remarkably resembled the movements of a chicken scratching for worms. As much as Crispin wanted to see this to the end, she had to exercise the necessary caution. Riding up behind Helena she leaned sideways in her saddle and unceremoniously hefted the smaller body onto the horse with one hand, her other firmly covering the princess's mouth. For a second, surprised, Helena did not resist. Then the indignation rushed in and she managed to kick Crispin in the shin twice before the knight irritably wrapped an arm around her and restrained her movements. There was only one option available to the princess - she sank her teeth into Crispin's hand with all the enthusiasm she could muster. The knight yanked her hand away with an agonised roar, only to be reprimanded quickly by Helena.

  "Shush! I think I hear something…"

  Shaking her throbbing hand wildly to relieve some of the pain, Crispin glared murderously at the woman seated in front of her.

  "You don't SAY?"

  Ignoring the icy sarcasm, Helena titled her head and attempted to identify the ruckus. There was some gnashing of teeth, some roaring, some howling and some stomping of feet too. Twisting in the saddle, and almost falling off in the process, Helena caught Crispin's still furious eyes.

  "You know what we have to do."

  The knight nodded. "Let's go." She prodded Toby with her heels, and the horse quite happily wandered away from the noise.

  "Wait! Where are we going?!" Helena turned around so forcefully that she almost fell off again. "We have to investigate!"

  The black eyebrows arched almost into Crispin's hairline and stayed there for good measure. "Investigate? People as inquisitive as you end up investigating their guts on a sharp stick soon enough. Did I say inquisitive? Sorry, I meant nosy. That's the word I was going for."

  Helena folded her arms petulantly and glared.

  "I want to investigate. Why don't we ever do what I want to do?"

  With a grimace Crispin inspected her wounded hand, flexing her fingers a few times. "Number one, we've only been travelling together for two days now, though it feels like a lifetime…"

  Toby, rather unimpressed with the conversation, yawned and shook his head to test the hands on the reins. At that point they were in fact waving around in the air rather wildly trying to make a point.

  "It's hardly travelling - you're abducting me against my will."

  "I would not call rescuing you from a three-headed beast abducting you, your royal Hell."

  "You just fed Boris some sandwiches! Such a hero!"

  "Boris?? Look. Never mind. I don't care. Number two, you've spent how many years lying around on a bed waiting for a prince to kiss you awake - when you weren't even asleep! - so your ideas are all bound to be extremely bad."

  Toby lowered his head and ate some juicy green grass and one or two pretty flowers.

  "At least I have some ideas in my head!"

  "You've read too many books, girl, that's your problem…"

  "And you're an insensitive loutish pig, that's your problem. Bet you can't even read!"

  "I can too."

  "I don't believe you."

  "Now why in all of the world would I lie about something like that?"

  "I don't know. You're strange."

  "Me? I'm strange??"

  "Oh, and ha bloody ha for the royal Hell bit."

  Toby chewed happily for a moment before accidentally getting a small rock in his mouth. Spitting out the offending object with a disgusted look he wandering into the direction he felt was best suited for a horse.

  "I should never have saved you from that turret. Ever. Pity
you look so deceptively peaceful in your semi-sleep. Did they describe that look in one of your books? Because it's not actually inherently you, princess."

  "It's not too late to take me back, you know. I'll keep quiet all the way?"

  Giving a bark of laughter Crispin shook her head. "Terrible plan. Here's a better idea. You can walk back."

  "Fine. I have legs. Good ones."

  "Minus the crown, princess."

  "Stop calling me princess!"

  "So it's a deal?"

  "NO."

  They glared at each other. Helena was only beginning with her best glare when Crispin looked away into the trees, her dark face thoughtful.

  "Hey! We're arguing here! Pay attention." Helena snapped her fingers inches from the knight's nose, only to have her wrist caught and held immobile in mid air. She was about to start slapping with her other hand when Crispin's eyes met and held hers.

  "Shh."

  They listened quietly for a moment, the princess's brow furrowed. "I don't hear any…"

  "That's the point. Where's the noise?"

  "Ohh."

  CHAPTER THREE

  "THIS IS A bad bad bad idea."

  "Shush. You're just being a big baby in armor."

  "Am not. It's a knight's natural instinct to run away from potentially life-threatening situations rather than towards them."

  "I thought knights were valiant and … what's that word? Courageous."

  "They're the same word. And knights aren't valiant or courageous, they're acquisitive. That means…"

  "I know what that means, thank you. I read. And not all of them are like you, you know. I am very sure there's a handsome knight out there who would have swooped in and rescued me bravely had you not decided to interfere."

  "I've rescued him bravely from you, I think. Besides, your selfless knight would have had a rather nice fortune from you father to console him once he realised that his princess is quite disagreeable."

  "You're a prime example of rat droppings."

  "Thank you."

  They despised each other amicably for a few minutes. Crispin was wondering what had possessed her to capitulate to Helena's demands and go in search of the nasty noise. The knight's reasoning was that the sound was rather more problematic when it wasn't there to be avoided, and she was trying at all costs to believe that this was her only reasoning. It had absolutely positively completely nothing to do with Helena's infectious curiosity.

  The terrain underfoot had been changing gradually from foliage to granite, and as they neared the edge of a clearing the scenery that unfolded in front of them had Helena gasping in awe. The road split into two sections - one led to the left into a small granite hill from which a ledge protruded near the top, and the other led back into the woods towards the right. Squarely in the middle lay a small lake, its water beautifully clear and reflecting the blue sky, surrounded by emerald green grass. With a squeal and a wiggle Helena managed to throw herself off Toby's back and into the road.

  "Oh look, Crispin! How beautiful!"

  She ran towards the little lake, her capacious dress billowing behind her. Spurring Toby on, Crispin set off after Helena. "Princess…" Leaning over, she attempted to haul the errant princess back onto the saddle, but Helena dove headfirst into the lush green grass, evading her grasping fingers neatly. With a sigh Crispin pulled Toby to a halt and rested her forearms on the saddle, looking down at Helena. The princess was lying flat on her back with her arms extended at her sides, a blissful smile on her face. Suddenly she pointed to a spot behind Crispin.

  "Look! A tiger!"

  Instinctively the knight ducked down in her saddle, making the young blonde woman giggle.

  "In the clouds, silly." She pointed into the sky again. With a snort Crispin sat up straight and gave the clouds a cursory glance.

  "They're just clouds, Helena."

  The young woman sat up with an incredulous expression on her face. "You called me Helena!"

  "My apologies, princess. Now let's get going, shall we?"

  With a grunt Helena rolled over onto her stomach and rested her head on her hands. "You know what your problem is?"

  "You?" the knight ventured carefully.

  "No." The princess shook her head categorically. "You. You're your own problem. We're in this beautiful area and you won't even get off your horse to feel the grass under your feet…" eyeing the armour covering the bridge of the knight's foot, she amended, "shoes."

  "I know what grass feels like, thank you very much. What I don't know is what exactly is sitting behind a boulder on the hill watching its lunch develop grass stains."

  As if on cue a rumble started in the hills, soft and low at first but building until it became a fully fledged roar. Sitting up rapidly, Helena rubbed at the gooseflesh on her arms and looked around anxiously, her green eyes wide. "Where is it coming from?"

  "Probably from inside something big with teeth. Now will you get on this horse?"

  Standing up, the princess brushed loose grass off her dress, ignoring the square hand that was extended to her. "This was a bad idea, you know."

  "It was YOURS!" The knight's eyebrows skyrocketed into her hairline.

  Shrugging noncommittally Helena took off one shoe and took a small pebble out of it. "I'm not assigning any blame, Crispin." Tossing the pebble into the lake she slipped the dainty shoe back on her foot. "All I am saying is that a knight should probably have known better."

  "I'm… you… I'm so… YOU MADE ME DO IT!" The knight winced internally at her juvenile choice of words. This girl was definitely bringing out the worst in her. "Maybe I should just take you back."

  Helena looked up at her hopefully, resisting the princess-like urge to flutter her eyelashes. "With my crown?"

  "Yes, with that damned crown of yours. You're more aggravation than it's worth."

  Suddenly remembering their particular situation, Crispin looked around warily - and unexpectedly catapulted off her horse straight into Helena, pulling her down flat into the grass next to the knight.

  "Wha…?'

  "Shush. There's a dragon." Crispin's whisper was so soft that Helena could not make out the words.

  "What??"

  "Shush - there's a dragon!" The knight's voice was still soft, but her words were much clearer. As the meaning sank in Helena's head shot up from the grass, much to Crispin's dismay. "Where??"

  The fat green-blue dragon sat at the top of the granite road leading into the hill, watching Helena with a curious expression on his face. He was reclining on his stubby little arms, which left his massive rabbit-like hind feet to stick into the air rather absurdly.

  With a sigh Crispin eyed the golden head next to her that had caught the dragon's attention.

  "Well."

  Jumping to her feet lithely she lunged for the scabbard tied to the saddle and drew her sword, spinning around to face the beast in readiness. After all that frenetic activity his reaction was almost a disappointment. Eyeing the knight's wild antics the dragon gave a small resigned sigh himself and rolled over onto his stomach, struggling to get to his feet. He rose a little awkwardly, his weight concentrated on one foot. Occasionally he gave a silly little hop to regain his apparently poor balance.

  Raising one eyebrow Crispin lowered her sword and leaned on it with a puzzled expression. This was hardly appropriate behaviour. Next to her Helena scrambled to her feet, brow furrowed. "Is it attacking? What's happening??"

  Chewing on the inside of her lip, Crispin shook her head. "I don't know what it's doing. Being very undragon-like."

  "That's not a word, Crispin."

  "It is now." Scratching her head thoughtfully the dark woman eyed the dragon, who - deciding that by all appearances the knight was not going to skewer him yet - had sat down promptly again. Daring to let the knight out of his sight for a moment, the dragon peered down at his right foot with his squinty little red eyes in what seemed to be abject misery. Next to Crispin Helena gasped so suddenly that the knight's arms sl
ipped off the sword, causing the heavy metal to fall solidly on her foot. With a curse Crispin lifted the sword again and leaned on it while she rolled her ankle tenderly. "What now?"

  The princess studied the dragon intently, not even glancing at the knight. "I think it's hurt its foot."

  "Great. Then we should be able to run away quite confidently."

  "What?!" Helena spun around, her expression incredulous. "You want to run away? Again??"

  Crispin nodded solemnly.

  "We have to help it!" Petulantly Helena folded her arms. With a sigh Crispin studied the profile which was turned prominently towards her.

  "Princess. One does not help wounded dragons. It is not the done thing. One says a short thank-you note to whichever deity takes one's fancy and then one gets on one's horse."

  "One can go stick one's leg in one's…"

  Crispin listened to the suggestion quite solemnly. "Princess, apart from the fact that it's rather rude it's also physically fairly impossible. Unless I'm not nearly as limber as you?"

  "Oh shut it, you pompous skunk." Huffily the princess gathered her skirt and began to walk towards the granite road. Pulling on her helmet and picking up her sword swiftly Crispin hurried after Helena, stepping in front of her and blocking her way in a potentially hazardous move.

  "Princess. You are going to get yourself killed."

  "You think so?" Helena turned up her nose expertly. "Do you care? You get my crown if I do."

  "Hmm." The knight thought for a moment. "I might have to get it out of a dragon - which means I'd have to have it cleaned - but…" she pondered for another moment, "… okay, fine." Stepping out of Helena's way she rested her arms on her sword.

  "What?" The princess stared at Crispin, her eyes blazing. "You're going to let me walk into this and get killed for a crown? What kind of a knight are you, really?? Do you even have legitimate papers and things to be a knight? Disgusting, I tell you..."

  The knight let Helena rant and rave until it looked like she could think of nothing more to say.

  "Princess?"

  "WHAT?"

  "You're supporting my point of view, actually. I'm just trying to let you do as you wish here."